Being sad

In a past post, I referred to going through a difficult time in my family. This difficulty was dealing with the emotions and physical recovery of a miscarriage.

Grief. Whether it be losing a loved one too soon, losing an opportunity, losing the idea of something we’ve always hoped for. Whatever it is…it’s not fair. I’ve always tried to make people feel better about their personal sadness or try to rationalize why they may be going through it. Until it happened to me.

My parents lost a child before having me and my twin sister. With the sadness experienced by going through something like that, my mom asked me how I was doing after our miscarriage. Although some time had passed, the wound was still sore. I answered by talking about losing a baby and then quickly realized that my parents actually lost a baby, a fully formed, breathing and beautiful little two day old boy. They had his nursery ready, little onesies washed and ready to fit his perfect little body, a bed fitted with new and clean smelling sheets. And they didn’t get to bring him home. When I realized what I was saying, that I was grieving over the idea of having a baby, I felt guilty. I started to say things like, “I know it’s nothing like losing a baby, like you did with Michael…” My mom quickly stopped me and said “No, it’s the same. You lost the dream of having a baby. You thought about bringing your baby home and thought about what your family would be like”. It was then that I realized that grief is grief. Sadness is sadness. Whatever level of sadness we attach to someone’s pain is completely and utterly unfair. It was within my right to feel sad, without feeling any guilt that someone else’s pain is more painful than my own.

What I’ve learned through this is, I’m not going to rationalize why we were not given the opportunity to have that baby. I’m not going to say that we now have a beautiful baby boy, Emery Michael, and because we lost our first, we now have Emery. I’m not going to do that. I know that we live in a world that is fallen. Things happen that should never happen. And because of this, it is okay to be sad. That’s it. Sad. With no rationalization.

This is part of an email that I wrote to my dad several months after our miscarriage:

I think I experienced my first opportunity of healing the other day. I haven't been angry or as sad, like I was in the beginning, but it felt like some real healing. Let me preface this with saying that after experiencing this, I now would never say to anyone in their time of hurting, that maybe God will use this as an opportunity to help someone else in their time of need, but that is what happened. Because no matter what you believe, it never truly feels like God's good when you are in a hurtful situation that you don't understand. Despite that, a friend of mine has been trying to get pregnant for a long time and is feeling very discouraged and deeply sad about the situation; having a hard time rejoicing in any of God's goodness because this is clouding her mind. I felt that way for a while after we had our miscarriage. I didn't really know I was feeling that way while going through it, but I distinctly remember feeling feelings of happiness again, talking to people because I wanted to and not because I had to, praying again. I remember coming out of this "cloud". All this to say, being able to know just a glimpse of the pain that my friend was going through and express some of that to her, was, I think helpful for her and a little healing for me. It was nice to have some healing.

Grieve, and someday move into awesome periods of joy, but always be sad that something completely unfair and less than perfect happened.

My awesome period of joy...

some of my most favorite moments - a Thanksgiving tribute

I can't sleep tonight, which is pretty abnormal given my intense passion to be sleeping. It all started with analyzing the cracks on the ceiling in our bedroom and wondering when the roof might cave in on us..... to..... thinking about my most favorite moments:

So, here they are:
a good cup of coffee with just the right amount of flavored cream

impromptu dancing in the living room with my husband

when you get into the groove of running and it becomes easier, particularly, the moment it becomes easier

brunch with two of the loveliest people: Georgia and Lolly

laughing

when despite the fact that she has a baby and a husband and works a full day, my sister will still answer the phone when I call in the evenings, go in her room, close the door and spend time talking (usually listening) with me about nothing and everything for an hour

praying, in the quiet, on my way to work, while driving toward the mountains

happy hour with GSSW girls

when my nephew makes that noise he makes when I'm chasing him, the 8 month old baby crawl away quickly noise because someone crazy is chasing me

when my husband humors me at 3:00am while I'm poking him asking if he'd like to go play or take a walk. he said "no" but was, nonetheless, his charming self while I was intentionally annoying him

intentionally annoying someone

when I know I'm forgiven

that my mom asked me, two weeks ago while driving home from Madision, Wisconsin if I wanted to play the Alphabet Game. this in itself was my favorite, that at the age of 28 my parents still want to play the Alphabet Game with me. but then, what makes it favorite moment, PART II, is that she got really tired, said, "time out". then she woke up, saw a Quilt Shop (really a Quilt Shop!?!), got her Q and won the game

the moment that something really hard for me, like a difficult life circumstance, presents meaning in my life

dinner and couch dates with our best friends: Erin and Mike

when I truly believe in second chances. not just thinking I believe in them, but when, in the moment, I am meeting with someone who has quite honestly messed things up really bad. then they have a moment of genuine redemption. when I get to be a part of that and be reminded that life is made up of second chances, new moments in time to make new

board games

that we have a community group of people who genuinely want to love one another and God

the times I get to see my sweet friend, Tessa in the hallway at work

that my husband gets really excited when I get home, meets me at the door, takes my lunch and purse, puts them down and hugs me

singing with my dad

eating popcorn in bed

I treasure that even in the worst of times we can have favorite moments and I am SO thankful for that. SO thankful this Thanksgiving for my husband, my friends, my family, being able to see life change, and the perspective Jesus offers me.

would you consider this?

Almost two years ago, I had the privilege of meeting some beautiful people in a slum of Kenya called Kibera. People in the slum live in absolutely devastating circumstances with little opportunity to recover. One of the solutions to this problem is microfinancing, offering small loans to those who live in the slum to start a business and thus create enough income to move out of poverty, or at least fulfill some needs that were not previously fulfilled. One of those businesses is jewelry making. We have been taking orders from the jewelry makers (technically working with the man who started the bank and microfinancing business, Michael Nyangi, for about 1.5 years now.
*Click on Michael's name for a video that amnesty international made about life in the slum and what Michael is doing to change it

Please consider purchasing very reasonably priced jewelry to help change lives. All proceeds go back into the jewelry makers' business or goes home with them to their families as income.

This order will be placed by October 1st and will be received in time for Christmas gifts. I know it seems early but ordering now ensures that they will be here in time.

Please take the time to look through this online catalog.

You can then download and complete this order form and email it or any questions to KiberaJewelryInfo@gmail.com. Checks are payable to ANAW-USA.

Any of those of you who have already purchased the jewelry and would like to speak about its quality or process, please leave your comments!

I want to remember this...

I bought a travel, ceramic Starbucks mug three days ago. Its pretty weird but mugs have this ability to significantly brighten my mornings. For the last two days, I’ve been making my coffee and putting it in my new mug, feeling happy that I get to enjoy my coffee in a ceramic cup on my way to work before the day starts to turn to chaos. And let me tell you, something making me happy before 8:00 a.m. is colossal as, it is, without question, the most difficult part of my day, and likely the most difficult part of the day for anyone around me :)

As I was coming home around lunch time yesterday, my mug slipped right out of my hand onto the cemented driveway. Two days, TWO days, that’s all it took for my mug of happiness to slip from my grasp and shatter. I was upset. Actually, almost felt like crying that I spent my limited spending money on this mug and it lasted two days. Kevin cleaned up the mug for me. I went back to work.

When I came home in the evening, I looked to the counter and there it was. A brand new mug, three days newer than my old one, waiting for me with a Starbucks gift card saying that I was my husband’s favorite.

Yup, tears welled up in my little baby eyes. I love being someone's favorite. Particularly, I love being his favorite.

...stuck in the in between...

I've been feeling stuck for a while now. I guess meaning, the last time I felt absolutely purposeful has not been in the last couple months and trying to remember when it was that I felt purposeful is hard.

Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of great things that have been going on:

We moved into a house that, albeit is not the house I would choose to live in forever, its a house, above ground (we have a habit of living in basements), has beautiful sunlight, hardwood floors and some great old house details. Its our own (while still renting) and it feels nice.

I have a job that is consistent, has a great schedule, is only 10 minutes from our house, and I work with pretty great co-workers.

I have a husband who quite simply is perfect for me. It truly has been such a gift to be able to see how well we fit, like we were made for each other. We even both firmly dislike mornings and know to not engage each other until after our morning cup of coffee.

My husband is thoroughly enjoying wrapping his passion into his job, photography, and is really good at it.

We attend a church that feeds our souls and that we feel proud of. A church that really cares about God's truth and loving people fully for who they are.

We have had so many visitors this summer, leaving us feeling loved up and in good company.

Yet still. I have this feeling that I need to be doing something more, something more purposeful. And maybe its not even doing something more but heading somewhere where I know I need to be. You know, the sweet spot, where you are sure this place was created for you and by being there you are, in essence, completing the final piece of the puzzle? For that period in time anyway.

I'll let you know when I find it, half joking here. For now, I'm a bit stuck in this season, in between, trying to, each day find more purpose and clarity on where God wants me and my family to be. Its strange, even as I write this, I feel just a bit thankful that I'm not going to be the kind of person who sits in this forever, because I can't. I want so much more for myself, for my family, for those around me. I will move from outside the in between. Even if its one step in the right direction, I'm moving. See you later yesterday.

Its Important

Kevin and I recently went through a personal hardship that has been pretty heavy on our hearts. We've been sitting in something, knowing that we don't deserve it and knowing that its not fair. We've had a few people say things like "its actually quite common" and then provide statistics which are somehow supposed to make us feel better. I've even tried to convince myself that it really is not that big of a deal and it will all be okay.

We went to church last weekend and our pastor talked about the first miracle that Jesus performed: turning water into wine. Jesus was in attendance at the wedding of a couple whose names didn't make it into the bible, meaning they likely were not royalty or holding some sort of great power. Even so, he chose to, as his first miraculous way of meeting a need, turn water into wine when their supply ran dry. This couple, who likely felt embarrassed that their "lowly" status became even more obvious to their guests, had a hardship. I'm sure that Jesus thought very carefully through this first act that would set him apart from all other people. Jesus chose to meet this need, when comparatively could have done anything. Maybe moved a mountain. Cured an illness. But he chose this.

The fact is, it's not okay. Its really not okay. And this is our big deal.
So I'm learning, my hardship is important.

Happy Easter

*Photo by Kevin
While driving to work yesterday I was listening to a song that my dad and I sang at my great aunt’s funeral. It goes like this:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

I started singing along with the radio as I might have the day of the funeral. But as the song approached “And I hear the voice of many angels sing…” I was overwhelmed to tears. Maybe it was because it was the significance of Good Friday, or maybe I was just extra emotional. All I know is it gives me so much hope to know that when there is pain, someday we will be celebrating along with the angels and the Creator.

Happy Easter.